Surviving those dreaded Thanksgiving conversations

The key to having a civilized conversation about politics or religion or any controversial subject is to not go into the conversation with the goal of convincing the other side you are right

Fact is, those people you dread talking to almost always think they are completely right and everyone else who doesn't think like they do are completely wrong.  And you're no different.  So their goal is to convince you.  To win the argument.

The technique most of them use is called aggressive assertion where they aggressively assert their "position".  This is called a positional argument.  Positional arguments rarely succeed because if the other side doesn't believe in their position, all the aggressive assertion of all the facts and beliefs they have won't convince you.  You have to remember that they came to these beliefs from a lifetime of experiences and thoughts based on a strong confirmation bias.

So come back around to how you can have a conversation with this type of person.

Step #1. As I said before, change your goal from "winning the argument" to just having a conversation.  Remember, what you were dreading was spending time with tis person because you know they just want to argue.  You probably wouldn't be at Thanksgiving dinner with them if they are not someone you'd care to get to know better.  So your goal is to have an enjoyable conversation and get to know someone better.

Step #2.  Instead of ramming your views down their throat, start by trying to find common ground.  Most likely, you can find common ground in what you both value.

Step #3.  Once you find out what values you have in common, (I call that the "what" you both care about, then your next question is to ask them why they believe what they believe.  Your goal at this point is to really listen with an intent to understand why they believe what they do vs you jumping in and telling them why they are wrong.

Step #4.  Once you have established that you both have common values, and that you are disagreeing on beliefs, after you have given them the time in step 3 to share their beliefs, and you have listened with the intent to understand and empathize, then your response is a technique called "assertive inquiry".

An example of that response is, "I've heard what you had to say about why you believe the way you do.  I can now see why you feel the way you do. I have a different belief that I think is worth hearing.".

Ask them if they would like to hear it.  They will most likely say yes.  Then you now have a chance to communicate your beliefs.  You may want to remind them that you're not trying to convince them they are wrong, you are simply stating your beliefs.  Now you need to know they will most likely cut you off and jump in and start aggressive assertion again, it's the only way they know how to have these types of conversations.

Politely remind them of the things you have already talked about (a) your common values (b) You listened to their beliefs patiently and understand and empathize with them, and now it's your turn for them to listen and empathize with your beliefs.  At this point it is really hard for someone to deny you the opportunity to talk.

But, if they do, then let them come back to asserting their beliefs, and when they are finished try to repeat step 4 again.  If they still don't give you the opportunity to be heard, then it's probably time to go talk to someone else.  You'll at least have the comfort in knowing that you know a little more about this person's values and beliefs and they know little about yours.  That always puts you in a stronger position in the next conversation.

Pride vs humility based leadership

1. Humility gives a leader the capacity to lead out of a position of strength. ​When you choose to be humble, you are choosing not to think less of yourself, but to think of yourself less and others more.​

2. Humility makes a leader more persuasive.​  A leader’s most powerful tools is his ability to cast a vision to his followers, and to persuade them to unite to make that vision a reality.  Humility engenders trust, loyalty, buy-in, and enthusiasm far better and more purely than fear, manipulation, or even people-pleasing will ever do.​

3. Humility gives a leader the courage to set aside personal gain for the good of others.​  A humble person sees others as inherently valuable while prideful leaders focused on themselves.​

4. Humility gives a leader the candor to be honest with their followers and change course if necessary.​  A humble person separates himself or herself from their accomplishments. When their accomplishments receive criticism, they don’t take it personally, but constructively. Prideful leaders, on the other hand, lash out due to fear, anger, or self-entitlement.​

5. Humility gives a leader the character to respond charitably when attacked.​  Because a humble leader doesn’t derive his or her identity from their accomplishments, they are able to deal with criticism.  The humble leader simply owns the truth of the criticism—if there is any—and discards the rest

7 things I wish I knew earlier in my career

• The importance of having a Growth Mindset
• What it means to have courage
• Why having passion is so important
• The importance of being humble
• It's not about not having enough time, it's that I didn't have clear priorities
• The importance of having structure and discipline and rigor in my work
• How to make decisions
• Practicing trust

Leadership lessons from Colin Powell

Colin Powell was an American politician, statesman, diplomat, and United States Army officer who served as the 65th United States secretary of state from 2001 to 2005. He was the first African-American secretary of state. He served as the 16th United States national security advisor from 1987 to 1989 and as the 12th chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff from 1989 to 1993.

In this chat I read Colin Powell Lessons in Leadership.

How to design your organization for success

When designing your org, there are some guidelines you should consider.

The organization needs to be designed to be:

Simple - Easy to communicate the components and the relationships with other organizations

Flexible - Able to quickly adapt to changing conditions

Accountable - A consistent predictable output with clear accountability

Economical - The benefit must outweigh the cost

Acceptable - Must offer a differentiated benefit and be accepted by employees and key stakeholders as a good fit

With these as guidelines, here are the steps to designing an organization for success.

1. Define your team’s purpose, mission, winning aspiration and how you measure success. 
2. Define the functions or strategy that are needed to achieve the above goal.  Ideally you can measure these functions. 
3. Define the services and value-add to be provided.  What do the functions do? 
4. Describe the processes needed to offer these services and calculate total workload for required tasks. 
5. Outline handoffs and connecting mechanisms to other organizations. 
6. Define the organization (leveling, headcount, skill mix, etc.) needed to deliver these services. 
7. Plan and execute the creation of the organization, sequencing communications and aligning talent to roles.  This is where you will know what HC or skillset gaps you have.  

How to attract and retain top talent and get rid of low performers

In this chat I talk about how to attract and retain top talent and how to get rid of low performers.

Low performers - Have objective performance standards; make them aware of their development areas; work with them on a development plan; if despite your and their best efforts they are simply not the right fit for the role, then help them to find a role more suited to their capabilities and desires.

Retaining top talent - Ensure you have an organization that is designed for success.  Have a clear mission and purpose; align functions to support the team mission so their is a clear connection to the team on how their work supports to overall organization and how they are adding value; have a career path in your organization and if that is not possible help individuals find next level roles outside of your organization; execute on a comprehensive, robust, and actively managed talent management process that calibrates the team and their capabilities and what skills they need and when they are ready for the next level role.  A robust and actively managed personal development plan is a must.  Be a sponsor for your top talent, advocating for them and making their successes known.  Make sure they feel valued and that key stakeholders know the value they are adding.

Attracting top talent - Strive to be a Level 5 leader where your personal desire is to help your team members and your organization to grow and be successful rather than your own success.  Build your reputation on that.